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!!ATENTIE!! Pentru a citi integral acest post să aveți lângă voi cel puțin 2 litri de suc sau apa și ceva consistent de mâncare (obligatoriu), și ceva de ronțait (opțional).

Ultimul capitol din categoria lost files strânge mai multe chestii interesante ce le-am găsit pe comp.

SCHOOL HUMOR

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?”
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L”
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting ith “I.”
MILLIE: I is…
TEACHER: No, Millie…. . Always say, “I am.”
MILLIE: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your
brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it’s the same dog.

În contiuare un studiu interesant :p :

Studiul PISA – Concluzii ale analizei cauzelor

  • Anul 1960 – Învățământul obligatoriu de 4 ani

Problemă: Un țăran vinde un sac de cartofi cu 50  lei.
Costurile de producție se ridică la 40 lei.
Calculează profitul.

  • Anul  1970 – Învățământul obligatoriu de 7 ani

Problemă: Un țăran vinde un sac de cartofi cu 50  lei.
Costurile de producție se ridică la 4 cincimi din prețul de vânzare.
La cât se ridică  profitul țăranului?
Se interzice utilizarea abacului!

  • Anul 1990 – Învățământul  obligatoriu de 10 ani

Problemă: Un economist agrar vinde o cantitate de solanum tuberosum subteran cu o sumă de bani B. B are mărimea 50. Din elementele B – b, rezultă că b=0. Mulțimea  costurilor de producție P are o mărime  cu 10 elemente mai mică decât mulțimea B.
Reprezentați mulțimea P ca mulțime–parte a mulțimii B și hașurați mulțimea rezultantă R, potrivit următoarei întrebări: cât de mare e profitul?
Se interzice utilizarea minicalculatorului.

  • Anul 1995 – Învățământul  liber Waldorf
Problemă: Desenează un sac de cartofi și cântă în acest timp un cântecel.
  • Anul 2006 – Învățământul  incluziv
Problemă: Un țăran vinde un sac de cartofi cu 50  RON.
Costurile de producție se ridică la 40 RON.
Profitul se ridică la 10 RON.
Să se sublinieze cuvântul cartofi și să se discute despre el între colegii din medii culturale diferite.
Se interzice utilizarea armelor.
  • Anul 2010

Problemă: Un injiner agronom vinde un sag de gardofi cu 25 euro. gosdurile sund de 5 euro. profidul este de 20 euro.
Selegdeaza dermenul gardof si maileaza solutia in formad pdf la clasa 2a@scoala.euroba.

  • Onul 2015
Problemă: Sori, nu mai egzisda gardofi!
Doar vrenci vraiz la mec donelts !
Draiasga brogrezul!

Și spre final, o colecție mare de bancuri strânse de-a lungul timpului de pe spikedhumor.com
Le-am lăsat în engleză, pentru a-și păstra savoarea :p.

SpikedHumor Jokes

Simple Misunderstanding
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What’s that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.

Cannibals
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained the trial to him. “You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in… but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?” The second one replied, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

Italian Mother
Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, Momma can’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.
Reading his Mom’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”
“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her, just to be sure.” So he sends his Mom an email:
“Dear Momma, I’m not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I’m not saying that you didn’t take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony”
Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.
“Figlio mio, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.”

Moses, Jesus, And Some Old Guy
Moses, Jesus and a very old man were out golfing one fine day. Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green.
Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green.
The very old man drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was snatched up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, the fish fell from the sky onto the green, the ball bounced out of the fishes mouth, and the ball rolled into the hole.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate golfing with your dad.”

9 things people say/do that I hate.
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my thing when I ask where the toilet is?
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2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
********
4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
********
5. When people say while watching a film “did you see that?” No Loser, I paid Rs.125 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
********
6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
********
7. When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
********
8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
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9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet? ” If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

The World according to kids
*Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
*Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
*The law of gravity says it’s not fair jumping up without coming back down.
*When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
*Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
*While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
*Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
*South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
*Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
*A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
*There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
*There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
*Lime is a green-tasting rock.
*Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
*Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.
*Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there.
*Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother.
*Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
*We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
*In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.
*Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
*Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
*We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.
*Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
*In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
*A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
*A monsoon is a French gentleman.
*Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
*Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
*It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
*The wind is like the air, only pushier.

Chuck Norris…..
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Disgusting Cook
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, “One burger!”
The cook, who’s even bigger, screams, “Bur-ger!”, where upon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. The old lady says, “That’s the most disgusting thing I think I’ve ever seen.”
The counterman says, “Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts.”

Blonde Inventions
1. The waterproof towel
2. Solar-powered flashlight
3. A submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dartboard
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheelchair
10. The waterproof tea bag

Invited to Dinner
A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. “I’m really going to give it to this girl,” the boy tells the pharmacist. “I intend to go for hours and hours.” The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. “Oh I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down.
10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious. ” The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!”

Bathroom slip
An Australian woman was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Jacko. “Jacko! Jacko!” she yelled. Jacko came running in.
“Jacko, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor” she said.
“Strewth!” Jacko said and tried to pull her up.
“You’re just too heavy girl. I’ll go across the road and get Bluey” (his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up. “No way. We can’t do it”
Bluey said “Lets try Plan C”
“Plan C?” exclaimed Jacko. “What’s that”?
“I’ll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her”
“Spot on” Jacko said. “While your doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her tits”
“Play with her tits”? Bluey said, “Why the hell would you want to do that”?
Jacko replied “Well, I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren’t so expensive”

Why Men are Better Friends
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her Husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.😀

The Lover’s Poem
A black guy and a white guy had been working together for many years, and the white guy always seemed happy. One day the black guy asked him” Why are you always so happy?” To which the white guy replied ” Every day I make love to my wife after telling her this poem, ” My lady with hair so blonde and eyes so blue, lay down and let me make sweet love to you.” The next day the black guy shows up with a busted lip and a bruised eye. The white guy asked him what happened. “Well”, he said, “I tried telling my wife a poem and it didn”t work.” “What did you say?”, asked the white guy. I told her, “Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. Bend over bitch so I can fuck you like a dog.”

Change Your Course Now – Military
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

The Generous Husband
A man is sitting in a Russian banya filled with men, and suddenly a cell phone rings, he picks it up and says: What? What honey? A new mink coat? Sure go ahead buy it.
10 minutes later the phone rings again : What? What honey? A pearl neklace and a rolex? Go ahead buy it.
10 minutes later it rings one more time : What? What honey? A new BMW? Sure, go ahead and buy that too.
Then the man says: Hey guys, whose cellphone is this?

Quotes of Life.
Not really funny, but interesting imo.
—————
Once the game is over, the King and the pawn go back in the same box.
Success is more attitude than aptitude
Obstacles are things a person sees when he takes his eyes off his goal.
Pray to God, but row for land – Russian Proverb
Accept that some days your the bird, and some days your the statue.
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
Don’t waste your time on a man/woman, who isn’t willing to waste their time on you.
Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic!
Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength. – Arnold
Three failures denote uncommon strength. A weakling has not enough grit to fail thrice. – Minna Thomas Antrim
Don’t feel the weights, let the weights feel you – Chittle
If the trains coming, get off the tracks – Chittle
Mess with the bull, get hit by the horns – Chittle
Nobody who ever gave his best regretted it.
Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.
Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.
If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.
Nothing to it, but to do it. – Ronnie Coleman

Top 6 Smart-Ass Comments
SMART ASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. “What are my choices?” John asked. “Yes or no,” she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”
SMART ASS ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
SMART ASS ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006!!! A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

First day as undertaker
First day at work as an undertaker and a recently deceased woman asks for her husband to be buried in a blue suit instead of the black suit he was wearing and leaves a blank cheque to cover the cost. On the day of the funeral she peers into the coffin to see he ex husband laid there all peaceful and dressed in an immaculate dark blue Armani suit.
“He looks wonderful” she says to the mortuary assistant “how much did that cost?” “Nothing” he replies…not a penny” “oh” she says “how come?” “Well” says the guy the other day a guy came in wearing that suit and I asked his widow if she minded him being buried in a black suit.” “Ah” says the widow “so you swapped suits?” “Nope” says the guy…”i just swapped their heads”.

Drunk Hook-Up
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son…what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replies, “Oh THAT!… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

ASSICONS
You’ve heard of emoticons, here are the ASSICONS:
(_!_) a regular ass :
(__!__) a fat ass :
(!) a tight ass :
(_*_) a sore ass :
{_!_} a swishy ass :
(_o_) an ass that’s been around :
(_x_) kiss my ass :
(_X_) leave my ass alone :
(_zzz_) a tired ass :
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass :
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass :
(_?_) Dumb Ass :

Life Tips
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
In life, you only need two tools – WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn’t move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Some people are like slinkies…they are not really good for anything…but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Golfing at a Funeral
Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ”Why did you do that?”
The man replies, ”Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It’s the least I could do.”

Who died the worst death?
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death?
So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: “I’d been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn’t find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn’t fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn’t kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself.”
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: “I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate.
When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn’t believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn’t last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me.”
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: “Picture this. You’re hiding, naked, in a refrigerator…”

Vegetarian Restaurant
A vegetarian goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says:
‘I’ll have the vegetarian burger please’.
He gets his burger, eats it and enjoys.
Later, he goes to the chef and says:
‘Hey! That burger was brilliant, what does it have in it?’
And the cook says:
‘Just what it said on the menu, Vegetarian Burger’.

Train Test
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”
Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”
“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.
“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.
“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.
“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was busy?”
“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.
“What if that had been vandalized?”
“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

Christmas Joke
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and A shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the Elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

The Blonde, Brunette, Redhead And The Firemen
3 woman, a blonde a brunette and a red head are trapped on top of a burning building and they are screaming for help.
Moments later the fire brigade arrive at the scene and one fireman shouts to the women.
Fireman: Ladies! we are going to take out the safety net now and i am going to get each of you to jump down one at a time. We need you to follow our instructions quickly. You the Brunette! On the count of 3, jump.
The brunette on the count of 3, jumps and just as she’s about to land in the safety net, the firemen pull away and brunette smashes into the pavement.
Fireman: You the Redhead! on the count of 3, jump!
Red head: No way am i going to jump! You pulled away the safety net just now!
Fireman: No no! we pulled away the safety net cause we friggin hate brunettes! We love red heads! Now jump!
So the Redhead bravely leaps. Again, just as she’s about to fall into the safety net, the firemen pull away and laugh as she smashes into the pavement.
Fireman: Blondie!! it’s your turn! Jump! We have you! Blonde: No way am i going to jump! you bastards pulled away the last two times. Hell if i jump.
Fireman: No no! We hate brunettes and redheads! Truth is we love blondes! Now shut up and JUMP!
Blonde: Hell no! I don’t trust you bastards! Now hands off the safety net and i will jump!

Bungee jumping in Mexico
Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico.” Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn’t able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up — she’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and asks, “What happened? Was the cord too long?”
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, “No, the Bungee cord was fine…It was the crowd.
What the hell is a piñata?!”

A Stoned Koala
A koala is sitting up in a gumtree…..
Smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says:
“Hey Koala! What are you doing?” The koala says, “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.” So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and he is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: “What’s the matter with you?”
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says “Hey you!” So the koala looks down at him and says:
“Fuuuccccckkkk dude…….how much water did you drink?!!

Guilty Doctor
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said “Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you’re the first…” This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, “… but they probably weren’t veterinarians”

Arithmetic
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to Little Johnny.
So she said , “If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?”
“Somebody else’s pants.” said the Little Johnny.

Would You Marry Me Again, Scummy?
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The man said, “No dear.”
The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
So the man said, “Okay, I would”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”
And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
And the man replied, “No, she’s left handed.”

Capt. Inspects Camel
A new Captain inspected his soldier and he noticed a female camel.
The captain asked, “What’s this camel doing here?”
The Sergeant shyly answered, “We use this camel when we feel an urge to have sex. Sir!”
The Captain understood his soldiers needs so he let the camel stay. One night, the captain felt an urge to have sex so the Sergeant brought the camel to his tent.
After having sex with the camel, he saw the Sergeant smiling outside. So he asked the Sergeant, “Is that the way you guys do it around here?”
The Sergeant replied, “No Sir, we usually ride the camel to the next town where the girls are.”

Her Side and His Side
HER SIDE OF THE STORY
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn`t say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn`t really sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to His house, I said that I love him and he just put His arm around me. I didn`t know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn`t say it back or anything. We finally got back to His place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep.
Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don`t know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he`s met someone else??
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY
My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.

Not really a joke but very cool…
Definitely worth a read!!!!
1) New York City has 11 letters
2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.
3) Ramsin Yuseb (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993) has 11 letters.
4) George W Bush has 11 letters. This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:
1) New York is the 11th state.
2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11.
3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11
4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers , was carrying 65 passengers. 6+5=11
5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 + 1+ 1 =11
6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911. 9 + 1 + 1 = 11
Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind :
1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254.
2 + 5 + 4 = 11.
2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year.
Again 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.
3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 = 11.
4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.
Now this is where things get totally eerie :
The most recognized symbol for the US , after the Stars & Stripes, is the Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran , the Islamic holy book: “For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace.” That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran . unconvinced about all of this Still..?!
Try this and see how you feel afterwards, it made my hair stand on end:
Open Microsoft Word and do the following :
1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first plane to hit one of the Twin Towers .
2. Highlight the Q33 NY.
3. Change the font size to 48.
4. Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS
what do you think now?!!

Skinny Dippers
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned and replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Might As Well…..
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big “everything under one roof” stores looking for a job. The manager asked, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid said, “Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas.”
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.
“How many sales did you make today?”
The young man replied without hesitating, “One.”
The boss said, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid said, “$101,237.64.”
The boss said, “$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!”
the kid said, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Blazer.”
Amazed, the boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?”
“No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.’

Family Fortunes – Genuine Answers
The following are ACTUAL answers given by contestants on “Family Fortunes” in the UK. If you’ve ever doubted that the families who appear on this show are of sub-human intelligence, doubt no longer.
Q – Name an item of clothing people wear two of at the same time
A – A bra
Q – Name a type of big cat
A – Persian
Q – Name something with a hole in it
A – A window
Q – Name something you might take from a hotel as a souvenir
A – The lamps
Q – Name something you eat with fish
A – A plate
Q – Name an animal that lives wild in Britain
A – A lion
Q – Not including cutlery, name a type of fork
A – Banana
Q – Name something a blind person might use
A – A sword
Q – Name a song with moon in the title
A – Blue Suede Moon
Q – Name a bird with a long neck
A – Naomi Campbell
Q – Name an occupation where you need a torch
A – A burglar
Q – Name a famous brother and sister
A – Bonnie and Clyde
Q – Name a dangerous race
A – The Arabs
Q – Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A – A horse
Q – Name something that floats in the bath
A – Water
Q – Name something you wear on the beach
A – A deckchair
Q – Name something red
A – A cardigan
Q – Name a famous cowboy
A- Buck Rogers
Q – Name a famous royal
A – Mail
Q – Name a number you have to memorize
A – 7
Q – Name something you do before going to bed
A – Sleep
Q – Name something you put on walls
A – Roofs
Q – Name something in the garden that’s green
A – A shed
Q – Name something that flies that doesn’t have an engine
A – A bicycle with wings
Q – Name something you might be allergic to
A – Skiing
Q – Name a famous bridge
A – Bridge over troubled water
Q – Name something a cat does
A – Goes to the toilet
Q – Name something you do in the bathroom
A – Decorate
Q – Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A – A dog
Q – Name something associated with the police
A – Pigs
Q – Name a sign of the zodiac
A – April
Q – Name something slippery
A – A conman
Q – Name a kind of ache
A – Fillet o’ Fish
Q – Name a food that can be brown or white
A – Potato
Q – Name a jacket potato topping
A – Jam
Q – Name a famous Scotsman
A – Jock
Q – Name another famous Scotsman
A – Vinnie Jones
Q – Name something with a hole in it
A – A window
Q – Name a non-living object with legs
A – A plant
Q – Name a domestic animal
A – Leopard
Q – Name a part of the body beginning with ‘N’
A – Knee
Q – Name a way of cooking fish
A – Cod
Q – Name something you open other than a door
A – Your bowels
Q – Name a famous soap opera
A – Romeo and Juliet
Q – Name one of Harry Enfield’s characters
A – Sooty
Q – Name something with a red light
A – A Dalek
Q – Name a bird that can also be a man’s name
A – Chicken
Q – Name one of the Spice Girls
A – The one with the long hair

What Genre Of Metal Are You?
This is a situational explanation of how someone from each genre of Metal would handle the whole saving the “Damsel In Distress” from a dragon sort of thing.
HEAVY METAL: The protagonist arrives on a Harley Davidson, kills the dragon, drinks some beers and fucks the princess.
GRIND METAL: The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves…
POWER METAL: The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and they make love in an enchanted forest.
TRASH METAL: The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her……. easy and quick.
FOLK METAL: The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (from all the dancing) protagonist leaves without the princess.
VIKING METAL: The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty mighty axe, cooks and eats it, rapes the princess to death, loots the castle and burns it down before he leaves.
DEATH METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
BLACK METAL: The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in the front of the castle… then sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her… then he impales the deflowered princess.
GORE METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her….then he fucks her dead body, slashes her belly open and eats her guts, fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.
DOOM METAL: The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks that he never could beat him, gets depressed and commits suicide… the dragon eats his body and the princess as well.
PROGRESSIVE METAL: The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo for 26 minutes, the dragon kills himself out of boredom, the protagonist goes to the princess’ bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques learned in the last year of the conservatory… the princess escapes, and is now looking for the “HEAVY METAL” protagonist.
GLAM METAL: The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy’s appearance and lets him enter, he steals the princess’ make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.
INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
CHRISTIAN METAL: The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to “thank” the protagonist he replies, “sorry, but I don’t believe in having sex before marriage.”
TECH METAL: The protagonist plays a whole tone riff switching between 11/16 and 23/16 with his left hand, while he taps a descending chromatic pattern with his right hand. The dragon suffers a massive brain aneurysm and dies, and the princess runs off to music school so she can understand what the protagonist was playing.

FOR WOMEN ONLY
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.” So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.” They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

Italian Tomato Farmer
An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

Well Endowed
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…. you have no legs!” The old man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you!”
She snorted. “You don’t have any hands either!” Again the old man smiled, “Nor can I beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. “Are you still good in bed?” With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Dust Cart
A family are driving behind a dust cart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen.
Embarassed and to protect her young sons innocence the woman says” that was a big insect”
To which one of the boys replied ” I’m surprised it can fly with a cock like that !!! ”

Movie theater
A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir,” the usher said, “if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly. “All right, buddy. What’s your name?” “Sam,” the man moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” the cop asked. “The balcony.”

Just another day at School
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. Who knows what sound a cow makes?
she asked. Mary put her hand up and said Moooo!
Very good replied the teacher, what sound do sheep make? Baaaa answered Johnny.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked What sound does a pig make?
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose the shy little boy at the back of the class.
He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, Up against the wall, motherfucker!

Games Kids Play
… It was a rainy afternoon and Billy wanted to go out and play, but his mother said, “NO Billy it’s pouring out!”
An hour later Billy comes back and asks, “Mommy it’s not raining anymore, may I go out now?”
His Mom looks out the window and says, “I guess so.”
So little Billy runs into the kitchen and grabs a bag of M+M’s of the counter and goes outside, He sits down on the curb, takes an M+M throws it up in the air catches it in his mouth, bites his cat, Mittens and moves over on the curb.
Billy’s mom looks out the window and see’s this going on and she just ignores it. Ten minutes later Billy takes an M+M throws it up in the air catches it in his mouth bites his cat and moves down the curb more.
So hi mom seeing this going on again goes outside and says “Billy what on earth are you doing?”
Billy says “just playing Trucker! Popping pills, eating pussy, and moving on down the road”

The Birds And The Bees
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.
“Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
“Oh dad,” the boy sobbed, “when I was 6 I got the there’s no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there’s no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really fuck, I’ll have nothing left to live for.

Vin Diesel

When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: “I End Lives.”
There is no “I” in team. There are two “I”s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.
When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, “Holy crap! That’s Vin Diesel!” Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Crop circles are Vin’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Vin instead.
Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.
Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose’s shit.
You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel’s diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his “Filet of Child” sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where’s Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, “This is BULLSHIT!” They’re all wearing shoes.” He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, “IF I CAN’T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!” The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.
Vin Diesel coined the phrase, “I could eat a Horse” after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
Vin Diesel doesn’t believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Vin Diesel can divide by zero.
Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi’s Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children’s hospital.
The eternal conundrum “what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object” was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Vin Diesel.
If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy’s. When asked why he doesn’t do this Vin replied “Because Grammy’s are for queers.” Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
More Vin Diesel Facts
If you freeze frame #3,000,547 of The Empire Strikes Back, you can actually see Vin Diesel cut off Luke Skywalker’s hand with a Ginsu Knife.

30 Facts About The Man Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t f*ck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O’Brien’s lever that shows clips from “Walker: Texas Ranger” and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan’s wife.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity.”, then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he’s Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the sh*t out of little kids.
More Facts about Chuck Norris
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. He impregnated her with one swift punch to the ovaries, and she bore him a child. We know him as Superman.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.
One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris “Chick Norris”. He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy’s wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
Jesus’s Birthday isn’t December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.
Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
Chuck Norris once round house kicked every citizen in Canada with one swift move. When questioned about the kick Chuck replied, “Canada is for pussies.”
Whenever Chuck Norris has an orgasm, a building explodes.
Oftentimes Chuck Norris will work local pizza delivery jobs; however he’ll substitute roundhouse kicks instead of pepperoni and machine gun fire in place of cheese.
Chuck Norris once smoked an entire pound of dank in one sitting. When his wife refused to make him an entire 5-course meal, he used his Jedi-like Norris powers to fling her into outer space. But not before a swift roundhouse kick to the ovaries, celebrating afterwards by eating three hundred chocolate snack packs.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Chuck Norris once decided to make a vibrator that would simulate the size and power of his actual penis. The result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.
Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris doesn’t understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
On the eighth day, God said, “Let there be Chuck Norris.”, but put him into cryogenic sleep after he roundhouse kicked twelve Adams to death.
Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make subpar cookies in the tree, Chuck’s tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.
A midget, a rabbi, and a horse all walk into a bar. Ah, fuck it. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked all their asses.
Chuck Norris’ smile can blind a full-grown adult at twenty paces and has been known to deflect all projectile weapons, including rocket launchers.
As a young lad, Chuck Norris’ parents warned him of household toxins that little Chuck should avoid. Proving his superior wit and strength, Chuch then shattered a thermometer and drank the mercury, ate a handful of lead-filled paint chips, and chased it all down with a shot of Clorox. Disappointed in his parents, Chuck roundhoused his dad, and then ripped off his mother’s left hand and bitch slapped her with it. How dare they patronize Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris was actually born a triplet. His brothers were death and pain.
In a fight between Batman and Superman, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has a pet chipmunk named Boris Norris. If you tell Chuck that it’s cute that Boris rhymes with Norris, he rhymes “your head” with “roundhouse kick.” He then gives Boris a cookie for his troubles.
Chuck Norris thinks that MacGuyver is a complete prick because he doesn’t have facial hair.
In order to speed up the wait time for death row inmates, Texas added death by roundhouse kicks to the list of acceptable methods of execution. The wait has gone down from 7 years to before you step out of the courthouse.
The famous Dr. Marten Steel-Toed Boot was a vain effort to duplicate Chuck Norris’ foot.
Fire does not burn Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris burns fire.
Fearing Chuck Norris to the point to shaking is an actual disease. Michael J. Fox is a sufferer. It is called Parkinson’s Disease because calling it Norris’ Disease would cause a worldwide pandemic.
When Chuck Norris does his laundry, he prefers the gentle cycle. He can’t feel a difference, but he thinks softer clothes helps him blend in with mortals.
Chuck Norris rejected an invitation to Vin Diesel’s house to play Xbox 720 and Playstation 4 as he was busy playing his Xbox 1080 and Playstation 5.
The first man on the moon was actually Chuck Norris. He did this in 1955. When those other two losers got up there, he roundhouse kicked them to Mars and took their space pod. But he didn’t go home; he went to Venus to pick up sluts.
America didn’t win the American Revolution. Chuck Norris beat the British by himself. Drunk.
It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once copied the answers to a worksheet in Biology. A black kid noticed this, and told him he had just gotten G points. Chuck asked the kid what were G points. The kid replied with, “Gangsta points!” Upon hearing this, Chuck Norris thought back to his days as a kid in Fresno. So he stabbed the kid with a knife and roundhouse kicked him in the face, now he has 50 G points.
Chuck Norris would shave his beard, but there is no metal on earth strong enough to cut through it.
Humans are probed by aliens. Aliens are probed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris still owns slaves. Mankind is his slave.
Chuck Norris doesn’t ask permission, he grants it.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn.t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
God wanted 10 days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas
Chuck Norris does not go hunting because “hunting” implies a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
If Chuck Norris is late. Time better slow the fuck down.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he isn.t racist.
150,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris related accidents every year.
When someone sneezes, God says Chuck Bless you.
Chuck Norris knows the secret to world peace, He just thinks its more fun to kill people
The only child ever to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was Gary Coleman. He has not grown since.
Steven Hawkings was the only man to outsmart Chuck Norris, he got what he deserved.
Shares of Chuck Norris (KICK) have risen dramatically in recent weeks, and closed yesterday at it’s 5-year high of 50 roundhouse kicks to the face.

Poor Old Lady
This old lady walks into the Doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with farting.
It’s not really a social problem, because you can’t smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you.”
The Doctor nods his head and says, “Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me.” The old lady comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says “What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You still can’t hear them, but now they smell horrible!”
The Doctor again nods his head and says, “Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now let’s work on your hearing.”

Who is Jack Schitt?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt!’ Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

Quotes

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”
13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”.
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

A Grandfather’s Wisdom
My long-passed grandfather’s birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give.
The jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice came when I was only 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I’d find a woman and start my own family.
“And son,” he said, “be sure you marry a woman with small hands.”
“How come, Grandpa?” I asked.
“It makes your pecker look bigger.”
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

A Little Boy and His Fire Truck

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says, “Hey, little boy, what are you doing?”
The little boys says, “I’m pretending to be a fireman, and this is my fire truck!”
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Little boy, that sure is a nice fire truck!” the fireman says.
“Thanks, mister,” says the little boy.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. “Little boy,” says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog’s neck I think you could go faster.”
The little boys says, “You’re probably right, mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!”

Fathers Find Out A Shocking Surprise
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
“My son,” said one proudly, “has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He’s so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.”
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. “He’s so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.”
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
“To tell the truth, I’m not very pleased how my son has turned out,” he replies. “For fifteen years, he’s been a hairdresser, and I’ve just recently discovered he’s gay.”
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, “But on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio.”

Getting Back at a Taxi Driver
A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply. “And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?”
“What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab.” The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, “How much for a ride to the airport?”
The cabbie replied, “fifteen bucks.”
The businessman said, “OK” and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

A Man Goes to the Optomestrist
A man goes to the optometrist for his annual eye check up.
The doctor looks at him and says, “You must stop masturbating.”
The man goes, “Why? Masturbating doesn’t ruin my eyes!”
The doctor replies “No, but it’s disturbing the other patients in the waiting room.”

Potentially and Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment, and asks his father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potentially and reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I`ll display it to you. Go ask your mother, sister, and brother if they would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you`ve learned.”
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, “Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?” His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, “Don`t tell your father, but yes, I would.”
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?” His sister looks up and says, “Definitely!”
The he goes into his brothers room and asks him, “Hey bro, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?” His brother goes “For a million? What the hell why not?”
The kid goes back to his father and says, “Dad, I think I`ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on three millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two whores and a homo.”

Blonde Alpinists
During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred, as some of the grappling hooks gave way. This left the eleven climbers clinging precariously to the wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on the Mountain. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn’t happen the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All ten blondes applauded.

Satan Vs God
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you`re an engineer — you`re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, “So how`s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey things are going great. We`ve got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there`s no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next.” God replies, “What You`ve got an engineer? That`s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I`m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I`ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Bumper stickers 03
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object. I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen. Editing is a rewording activity. Make yourself at home…..clean my kitchen Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got. You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac. I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy. I love animals, they taste great
Bumper stickers 02
“The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.” “Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep” “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” “I love cats…they taste just like chicken” “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….” We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.” Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Reality is the only obstacle to happiness. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Bumper stickers 01
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Black holes are where God divided by zero. “Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.” BAD COP! – NO DONUT!!! “Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!” “Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.” “How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?” Seen on a woman’s car: “Men call us birds, we pick up worms” “Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?” “Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.” “If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.” “I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!” “I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!” Seen on an old, beat-up car: “This is not an abandoned vehicle.”

Army of the Lord
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
Jack replied, “I`m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don`t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
Jack whispered back, “I`m in the secret service.”

Customer Service
I’m not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.

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